it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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