Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
