Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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