I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
