I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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