Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize