shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
