...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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