I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
