i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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