This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You don't make any sense
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