She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
