Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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