I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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