My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
