I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
