Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
