Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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