wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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