I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
