I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
