Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
