the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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