I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
