I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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