New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
