guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
