I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
