We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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