I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
