oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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