Dude my mom stole all your condoms
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
