You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
