someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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