I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Damn victory sex feels great
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
