Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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