Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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