If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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