We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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