your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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