yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
