You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize