whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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