I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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