wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
