just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
