I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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