Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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