i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
