ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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