Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I have demons in me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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