My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
