Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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