im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Did I show you my penis last night?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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