i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
