one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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