You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
