I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
