I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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