I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
