I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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