I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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