I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
